bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
