I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
