Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Come on in and take your pants off
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