i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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