So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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