Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize