we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
