I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize