What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
