once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I smell like Dick and happiness
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