there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
