I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
