last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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