You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i think my cat just said my name.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize