Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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