Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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