i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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