Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
