**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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