There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
