My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
