My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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