remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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