Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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