I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
