i can't believe i had my finger in that
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
