Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just threw up on my dentist
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
