went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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