Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
