I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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