I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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