umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
