I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
