i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
