What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
