last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
