Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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