Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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