he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
