Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
