so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
