Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
