My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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