just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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