people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
only you would photoshop your dick
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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