Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
