My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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