I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
