Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i barfeds in our rink
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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