I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
