If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
