Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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