there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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