We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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