I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
