He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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