my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
