you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
