i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
