I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize