so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
