Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
