I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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