FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
