Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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