i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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