I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
