I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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