Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
