Swine flu. Run for my life!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
