If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
