You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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