guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
